Precious Illusions

Piss. I spent a good half-hour writing an intelligent and entertaining blog entry just to have the "publish" function fail. And it's gone. You get the summarized not-nearly-so-clever version.

Some days seem to be steeped in the sinking feeling that there is something inherently dark and sinister about the universe. Today was like that, from its unsettling start to its anti-climatic finish.

I'm blaming it all on the weird dreams.

(Yes, after a brief hiatus, they're back!)

I'll spare you the gory details, and keep it to the CliffsNotes version this time around. I was a Sergeant in the Army, there were three prostitute witches (who keep their relatives' heads on the mantelpiece), the staff from an entire office building was trapped in an oil tanker, and dinosaurs attack at the end of the world.

Yeah. As you can imagine, I woke up feeling a little off-kilter. The rest of my day was pretty standard (minus the sense of impending doom). I made play-doh cookies with my niece, yawned my way through "Little Women", did a little shopping, ate a little dinner, (did a little dance, made a little love, basically "got down" tonight... ha ha...couldn't resist... and no, that WASN'T in the first version!). Somewhere in there I read some James Tate, which probably didn't help with the "doom and gloom"... And the sunset tonight was freakishly pink, which made the water in the bay look blood-red...

Anyway, I'm going to go snuggle in bed now and listen to some whiny female songwriters while stream-of-consciousness sketching. Before long, I'll slip back into the relative comfort of my dreamworld. For all its absurdity, I can't help but feel that it is my true home.

Because of You

It's that bad... I'm listening to Kelly Clarkson. No, not listening to sappy Kelly Clarkson songs... wailing them at the top of my lungs into my hairbrush.

One would think that after 23 years of life, I would understand that people don't change. They might seem different on the surface, but underneath is the same old rusty framework. I fall for the facade every time. Is it because I really believe things have changed or because I want and need to believe it? I'm leaning towards the latter. Hope's a bitch.

The people who are closest to me are completely blind to my thoughts and feelings, and that's never going to change. I made sacrifices in the name of diplomacy. I stopped dreaming to lessen the sting of disappointment. I stopped living.

It's never been about me. I'm tired of making excuses and I'm tired of feeling guilty for being myself. I'm done with this.

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

This is From Yesterday... But Oh Well

It's funny how the stream of ideas flows. I was going through a pretty dry phase over the last three weeks or so, then today ...SPLASH! A tsunami of energy!

I'm going to attribute half of it to a sudden anthemic "My Prerogative" sing-along in the car, half to a great Jeannie-esque ponytail, and half to my boss listening and implementing my ideas. (Yes, three halves because I'm once, twice, three times a lady!!!)

Even though I know that at some point one of the three people who call me every night will prevent any further exploration into the pools of inspiration, I'm going to enjoy the glow...

Ring! Ring! ..Until it ends.

I Got Tagged

I got tagged

Six weird things about me? That won't be so hard... so I'll pick things people might not know.

1. I like to pretend that I'm Jewish, even though there is no evidence that I have a single Jewish relative.
2. When I'm alone in the car, singing along to a duet, I use different voices for the two people.
3. I'm a compulsive list-maker. Sometimes I add things I've already done just so that I can cross them off and feel a sense of accomplishment.
4. My deepest regret from college is that I never took fencing.
5. I own several copies of "The Catcher in the Rye"...but I've never read it.
6. I love being an "artist"... if only for the fact that it gives me the "right" to be as ridiculous as I want without anyone questioning my actions and opinions. I have a license to be as weird as I want to be. And no one raises an eyebrow (at least not to my face!).

And on that note, I'm not tagging anyone back. Because I'm bad-ass.

Ruminations and Revelations

If this snow doesn't melt and I don't get some sleep, they're going to have to drag me off to the loony bin. Seriously.

I have cabin fever. I'm sitting in front of my computer in a skirt, bikini top, and flip-flops while listening to Ricky Martin and lathering on the sunless tanner. (Ricky Martin!) It's that bad. Dammit, I want to be wearing this OUTSIDE! (Do I really want it? Yeah! Do I really want it? Yeah!)

Ok, putting my clothes back on and getting serious. Grrr... it happened again last night. I can't turn my brain off anymore. I can't stop thinking. I watched the freakin' sunrise... not in a good way, in an "Oh my God, I still haven't fallen asleep yet and the sun is already rising!!!" kind of way. Ugh. This all started when my stupid car died. First I was stressed out about that- the stupid mechanic wouldn't even look at it and I was so sure it was a busted bearing. Then there was all the stress of finding a new car. Then the stress of paying for the new car. Now the stress of looking for a new job to help pay for the new car. To top it all off, I have coupons for both Bath and Body Works and Victoria's Secret that I can't use now because I'm too poor. (TOO POOR for pretty bath gel and underwear... this is unbearable.) I don't even know what I want anymore. I'm questioning everything - my priorities, my desires, my dreams. Where do I want to live? What do I want to do? (Jme-Just in case you missed it, this is the part where you chime in with the "move to Chicago" shtick.) Am I ready to live alone? Can I live with a job that pays well but isn't fulfilling? What is the meaning of life, the universe, and everything?

All I'm asking for is a seven-eight hour break from those questions and more every night. Is that so much?

Here's to Never Giving Up and Lung Disease

Today is the first sunny day that Michigan has seen in a few months. In honor of that, I took a cruise in the KITT car, dusted off my sunglasses, pulled the moonroof shade back, did my banking, and grabbed a shake. For a moment, life feels good. (And oh so McMinty!) I know that will probably all change by Monday, so I'm going to let it soak in while I can.

Or I might just take a nap. I haven't hardly slept in the last ten days or so- been doing way too much thinking. It's been a dramatic week. If there wasn't so much snow, I'd run off into the woods and climb a tree or something. Instead, I'll just pop in the latest P&P and further destroy all my chances at real happiness with silly romantic ideals. Ugh. Would I run into a handsome, rich man who tells me I've bewitched him "body and soul" if I were to go romping around in my jammies in the misty hours of the morning? No, no. I'd run into a bear then catch pneumonia from breathing all the cold morning air as I run for my life.

What my life lacks in magic, it makes up with ironies.

A Beautiful Mind

Ugh. Just when life couldn't get anymore complicated, I decide to become either a medium or a paranoid schizophrenic.

My weird dreams just reached an entirely new level of strangeness. It began with just an idea and nothing visual. I was dead. (It's always a good sign when you're dead before the dream even starts!) How do I describe it? Being dead feels something like the half-consciousness you feel when your roommate/lover/spouse's alarm goes off, and even though you never actually wake up, you are "aware" that they are getting dressed, brushing their teeth, etc. I was "aware" that I was dead but didn't really mind. I was also "aware" that I'd been cut clean in half across the midriff and placed in a stone sarcophagus in the middle of a forest. Time passes... I'm not sure how much... but I get a vague feeling that I'm being miraculously put back together. Suddenly, I wake up as if from sleeping (disoriented, but not upset or disturbed to be in a tomb!), push the lid aside, and step out.

While my subconscious is probably trying to tell me something very mundane with colorful imagery, there's always that tiny chance that I just predicted the second coming. Start building your bomb shelters.

Now to the really scary part.

For the last few months, I've been suffering from progressively more severe "hallucinations". They started as innocent drops of light. Then the lights went away, and I started seeing big black beetles. Now the beetles are gone and I see people. Not moving, regular people. Like, shadows of people. I don't "hear voices" or anything like that, but it's still fairly disconcerting.

As you can imagine, I have PLENTY of theories. My honest belief is that (especially around this time of year!) my sinuses are sometimes putting too much pressure on my eyes and making me "see" things. Similar to the things people sometimes "see" during a migraine. Theory number two is that I have a sleeping disorder. I'm getting a full eight hours every night, but I rarely wake up rested. This could account for my lively REM sleep too! Theory three: the obvious brain tumor thing. I doubt that one since I haven't had any headaches. Theory four: I'm slipping into paranoid schizophrenia. Unfortunately, I happen to be the right age for that. Theory five: that there's black mold in my house that's making me see things. Theory five is actually more fuel for theory four than an actual theory in and of itself. Finally, theory six: that I'm getting in touch with my inner John Edwards. I'm refusing for it to be theory six, since I've always maintained that there is no such thing as ghosts. And I hate to be wrong.

So we'll see what happens. I can probably work a movie deal out of most of the possibilities.